Chapter 9 - Glory to God

I would like to share my story.

After being furloughed during COVID, I decided to invest in natural gas futures as I can predict the weather relatively accurately. I knew the coming winter would be bitterly cold and I made a decent amount of money, I then lost around 80% of my earnings.

Commodity markets are open for 23 hours, closing only from 10pm to 11pm. I was losing my sanity, I gained 20kgs in 6 months and I wasn't happy. I realised that money's a game and it became a lot less important to me. I decided I'd had enough.

I instead went job searching and quickly found a remote role. The manager was lovely, my coworkers were a fantastic bunch (and very English unlike my international colleagues in London) and being in the office for 2 days a month, I really couldn't ask for more. Once I settled down into the role I was able to make the company a decent amount of money. Everyone was pleased with my performance and thankfully I was given a lot of freedom. I used that freedom to run. I was out of shape, a smoker and mentally worn down. One day outside while smoking a joint a voice inside of me told me to run to the next town over, about a mile away.

During the run due to the lack of oxygen and the potent cannabis I began to violently hallucinate. The unkempt road next to the railway became a jungle, teeming with life and I was seeing all manner of creatures, hiding in the trees and watching me. I was incredibly fat and I'm shit at running, deciding to cycle or gym as a compromise. I was about to give up until I felt a hand on my back pushing me forwards. Looking back I probably had some tailwind but at the time I could've sworn I felt a hand. This helped me reach the goal I'd set in my mind. A lone bench overlooking the park where the local rugby club plays.

I really didn't think I could do it, nor do I fully understand what prompted me to run there but it was one of the most satisfying moments of my life.

Subsequently I decided to make this a daily occurance. I initally had a massive problem with shin splints. I'm short but I was well over 95kg and my shins felt like they were about to snap. Normally due to the combination of being intoxicated and my paper thin will, the pain would be a good enough excuse to stop running and give up, but for some reason I had this venom in me, a determination to finish my run and to achieve my goal. That I would crawl on my hands and knees if that's what it took.

I took this mentality and I applied it to everything I did. I would run further and further, eventually giving up cigarettes and vapes as I favoured the runner's high. I started running on trails and connected with nature in a real way. I always wanted to stop to admire the views but never dared to; I feared I would become complacent and my heart would weaken. But for the first time in my life I was outside in nature for 5 days a week. I would see the trees change as the seasons did. Life would explode in the spring, peaking during the summer, things would wind down as autumn came with the trees eventually becoming bare as winter arrived.

I felt alive for the first time but more importantly I felt connected to something greater than myself. I've always been a narcisscist and I've always craved the love and affection of others, I dreamed of riches and fame as many do. People loving me unconditionally, enjoying my presence and my former friends in anguish regretting their betrayal. My dreams before were always so juvenile but they were the only thing keeping me going. I was self-involved, short-sighted and egotistical. Acting like I was the main character in the worst fucking sitcom in human history.

In nature I realised I'd been misled, my value system in tatters. How meaningless all of my woes and insecurities were. How they were made in my mind and the minds' of others rather than grounded in naturalistic reality. I decided to quit my job and to make this website. I had no coding experience and I'm incredibly retarded. I knew it'd be difficult but I was determined to see my idea come into fruition. I would often burn out and so I started a blog to vent my frustrations and I rediscovered my love for writing.

It took me over 2 years and all my life savings to build a website that looks like it was made in 1999. Looking back I've never been happier and even if no-one reads this and even if no-one uses my dogshit website I'm still happy with what I achieved and the countless lessons I've learnt along the way.

During a period where progress was slow, while going up a hill I had a sudden sense of hopelessness overwhelm me. I was constantly running but losing no weight, haemorrhaging money with no prospects but more importantly I felt stuck in life. I thought I was making the right decisions but I couldn't help but feel frustrated. I looked up at the grey skies and I started crying. My life hasn't been easy. I'm not trying to get into the Painlympics or anything but I've had my fair share of troubles.

I couldn't understand why my life was so shit, despite me trying my absolute best; I was getting nowhere with nothing to show for it. I started to become bitter and resentful, crying out to God "is this not enough, have you not seen me suffer enough? How much more pain do you need me to go through?" (this sounds super gay reading it back but I was deadly serious at the time). At that moment something came into my heart. My mother's an evangelical Christian but I've always despised religion. To me God was nothing more than a figment of our collective imagination but in that moment, as clear as day something told me "I've seen you suffer enough and I will bless you".

The following months were nothing short of miraculous. I've had issues with my left ear since infancy. As a baby my mother took me to the hospital to get it checked but the doctors found nothing and I've always struggled with infections and partial deafness. Do you know that feeling you get when there's water in your ears? I felt that on one of my runs. It was in my left ear and I tilted my head to let the water escape. The water dripped out my ear (I was still running at this point with my head tilted to the left) and again I heard a voice saying "you're healed".

I went to see the local GP a few months prior to this. Weight and fatigue's always been a problem for me but I was developing new symptoms very quickly. I was suffering from hair loss, peripheral neuropathy and carpal tunnel syndrome; all 3 symptoms developing within the last 3 years. I also had stretch marks from a young age, dry skin and a bloated face. Researching my symptoms I came to the conclusion that I had Cushing's with secondary hypothyroidism. The doctors tried to convince me that I was wrong, always alluding to the rareness of the condition. They tried to put me on a diet programme but I knew how hard I'd tried to lose weight, so I refused and asked for testing.

The results showed elevated cortisol levels - my diagnosis was right and I finally had proof. I wanted a scan and surgery right away but the doctors insisted I do another blood and urine test to confirm my diagnosis. Their reasoning was "if we do a scan and we discover a tumour you'll want surgery but in 20% of cases it's benign". I still think that that's an interesting way to frame "there's an 80% chance you're correct". The initial test took 3 months as the NHS is fucking incompotent and I knew if we tested again I'd be waiting in limbo, potentially risking death but more importantly I knew my condition was cyclical. My symptoms would always get better before the summer months so I knew if I waited I'd be in remission and there'd be no hope of finding the tumour until my symptoms flared up again.

Looking back as I write this I think I was more frustrated with the NHS than I was with God. Small side note. Fuck the NHS. If you're suffering from anything more serious than a broken bone, good luck to you, I truly mean that. Doctors aren't healers. They look at charts and numbers. They don't look at you and your condition. They do this because they're incompotent and they want to avoid accountability. "I just did as the numbers told me to!". What's the difference between doctors and bots if that's all they're capable of doing? If testing's the crux of western medicine we should value lab technicians over doctors. I don't understand what their role is if they refuse to engage on a human level.

I'm grateful I didn't have a monkey with a god complex rummaging around in my brain. Since my encounter with God my faith has only gotten stronger and stronger. I've lost more weight running less than I used to. I'm beginning to see my abs coming out, my hair has come back, my mood is elevated, I don't suffer from insomnia anymore, the stiffness in my fingers' gone and most importantly I have this unshakable faith that I'm going get better. I'm not telling you to be a religious person. I don't subscribe to a religion. It's arrogant to think that we could ever come close to understanding God by reading a book. I don't know anything about her however God to me is the personification of our planet. This theory is known as the Mother Gaia theory. The idea that the planet is alive and breathing with a beating heart at it's core.

If Mother Gaia didn't love us, if she didn't provide nature with everything required to sustain life, none of us would be here. I don't know if I'm right and I would never tell you what to believe in. I simply pray you find God through whatever means you find comfortable. While I found her high and running in nature, I think everyone has a different path, one that's catered specifically to you. The God you discover may be different to my God but ultimately I hope you feel connected to something greater than yourself.

I could go back to a shitty office job tomorrow if I wished to and live a relatively comfortable life but I wanted to follow my heart for the first time. I have no regrets and I believe I'm doing my part for the greater good. I can only hope you do the same.